Dog Walk Four: Afraid of the Dark

When I was a kid I was afraid of the dark. For the first several years of my life, I slept with a nightlight, willing it to cast its dim glow over all of the unknowns of the darkness. I hated the night and all of its murky secrets. I remember distinctly the feeling of panic that crept over me during my nightly bedtime routine, the apprehensive resignation of knowing I would soon be surrounded by darkness, my raw thoughts echoing off of the shrouded walls. Over the years, as I drifted into adulthood, my fear began to fade, the dark shifting from being a frightening enigma to a simple inevitability of nature. I became neutral to it, not enjoying or loathing it with any particular enthusiasm.

Now, as I wander my neighborhood path, winding around lit up houses and frosted backyards, I can sense the impending cover of darkness, the dusky promise of the night quietly creeping in. It doesn’t feel menacing or suffocating like it used to, but rather like a gentle hand resting on my shoulder, a silent reminder of what is to come. It is at this moment that I realize how much my relationship with the dark has changed.

As an adult, I am mesmerized by the dark– appreciative of it. I have come to admire its cozy, subdued nature, the way its approach makes the world exhale and settle in for the night. I love the openness of it, the way it washes everything into a sort of blind oblivion, removing all stimuli in its path. When the night arrives, life pauses. Sometimes I don’t realize how much I long for it, that seemingly eternal stillness.

As someone who is always on the go, busy trying to meet the deadlines and expectations set out for me, I often feel the need for constant productivity. Even in my down time, I feel compelled to stay busy, setting goals and plans for every aspect of life. My days are weighed down by obligations and pressure, but the nights are filled with peace.

One of the best things about the dark is that it gives me permission to just be. Under the cover of the dark, I can breathe and relax, unwinding with the nighttime. It doesn’t matter what I look like, how much I weigh, or what I have accomplished. There is no pressure to entertain or please others, no required work or achievements. The dark has no expectations. The dark passes no judgment, it merely shields its eyes and gives me time.

I find it interesting to reflect on past fears, the things that consumed my thoughts and compounded my worries as a child. Fear is a part of life, but the subjects of fear change throughout the years. As a society, we often talk about conquering our fears, fighting against them in a sort of personal battle of courage and determination. But I don’t think fears always need to be conquered. I think fears need to be understood.

Of course, like any other human being, I get scared. I have fears and doubts and worries like anyone else. Whenever I get scared, I try to remind myself to think about my fears, try to understand why I experience them and what about them makes them so frightening. It doesn’t always work, but it does help me to make peace with the things that keep me up at night.

The dark is a common fear among humans, probably because of the vague but eerie potential of it, its capacity to conceal anything and everything within its scope. In reality, I think humans are afraid of what lies in the dark more so than the dark itself. At least, that was the case for me.

Fear has its place in our lives, playing a crucial role in keeping us safe, but allowing that fear to compound and consume us only increases its power over us. I see myself and the objects of my fear as equals, polarized by a lack of understanding and the desire for safety and comfort. My fear of the dark has grown and morphed into an admiration of sorts, a source of gratitude and calm. This would not have been possible without a shift in mindset. Self-preservation is important, but taking the power of terror back and using it to fuel understanding is also essential for us to continue making progress in our lives. If we could all make peace with our fears, perhaps the world would be a less daunting place.